First awakening...

We went to see our oldest daughter and I had been asked to watch my granddaughter so the others could go out on the party bus for their time.   My daughter told me to promise to only have one beer while I was watching my granddaughter and I said yes.
Well...they all left and I had that one beer and drank it pretty fast but then noticed there was more and some wine too.  I knew I had promised but one more couldn't hurt and then I had another one and so forth until all the beer was gone.
I was full from drinking a six-pack and I had drank it fast but thought...what the hell...I could go make myself sick and have room for more...so I did.  Then I drank all the wine.
Well...the bus pulled up rather unexpectedly and my daughter dropped off her husband because he was very sick so I was asked to watch and take care of him too so they could get back on the bus.
That was frustrating and a total buzz kill but I did what was asked of me.
When my daughter and husband finally got back...I felt so guilty for what I had done and told my daughter.
Least to say she was very upset with me and asked me why I would break a promise like that and take the chance of NOT being able to take care of my granddaughter.  I hadn't thought about it that way and I was very disappointed in myself and the light bulb went off in my brain.
I FINALLY realized after about 2 and a half years that I might have a problem.
What am I going to do now???

More to come...

So...it was getting to the point where all I could think about was drinking.  I would wake up and want a drink, I wouldn't go to bed until I had a drink, I would run out of alcohol and drink whatever I could find including our nyquil and cooking sherry.
I wouldn't stop even after I threw up...I would drink more just to keep that buzz I wanted so much.
I didn't care how silly I looked... I didn't care that I couldn't walk straight.. I didn't care if I passed out or if I had a terrible hangover the next day.  I NEEDED that drink!
My drinking kept me from feeling the pain and fear that would get so overwhelming....I NEEDED that numb feeling....I NEEDED to escape!
I was so scared to be me for fear of rejection that drinking was the only solution I could think of to stop these thoughts and emotions.
And still I would NOT admit that I had a problem.  I kept telling myself that I had this under control and I could stop whenever I wanted.
Then came the day that reality HIT me in the head...

More to come...

 At first my drinking started off casual and just once and a while but then I wanted/needed that "feel good" feeling and that "buzz" I got from it.
When I was out of alcohol I pretty much begged my husband to let me get more and I would promise it would last...but it didn't.
I kept drinking and found ways to hide it (or so I thought)  so people would leave me alone.
When my husband went to meetings I would drink as much as I could as fast as I could so he wouldn't tell me I have had enough.  I thought...I'll show him and he can't stop me.
I would hide the cans and bottles so my husband wouldn't see how much I drank.
My husband started marking the vodka bottle with a permanent marker to see how much was drank from it.  That was a nice try....I would drink from it and then add water right back up to the line so he would think I hadn't touched it.   I was smarter than him...he couldn't trick me.
 My husband and others kept telling me I had a problem but I didn't believe them and it would make me angry again.  They were ruining my good time!
 I was getting really tired of everyone telling me to stop drinking...it was my choice not theirs.  The more they pushed me the more I kept drinking.

More to come...

So...I liked to drink..big deal!
I was getting REALLY tired of everyone telling me I had a problem and I thought they were full of shit.  It made me so angry when people told me I had enough to drink and I should stop...who the hell did they think they were???  I did NOT have a problem!
I had my drinking under control and they were just trying to be controlling and not let me have any fun.   So what if I was drinking my drinks faster than them and everyone else's if they didn't want it.  I wanted that buzz and that "I feel good" feeling.
Didn't they realize that I was having a good time and coming out of my shell???  I was going to drink whether they liked it or not.  And I did.

More to come...

So...the substance that I turned to was alcohol.  I had drank before in my teen years and partied once in a while but this time was different.
I would go to events and be known as "The Party Girl".  Everyone was saying how much fun I was and wanted to sit at my table at an event or hang out with me because of it...I was on cloud nine!
I couldn't believe how much people liked me and wanted to be around me...it was awesome!

So every time I want to someone's house or an event or even at home...I was drinking.  I loved how I felt while drinking and I loved not having to worry about what people thought.  It was a wonderful numb feeling and I was having a blast!
When I would go out and feel that nervous feeling...I would just have a couple of beers (well..more than a couple) and relax. I didn't have a thing to worry about and I wasn't hurting anyone or doing anything wrong.  I mean..come on...I was coming out of my shell and having a good time.
I had no idea that my drinking was turning into something bigger than I thought.

More to come...

I had had 3 different surgeries in 2011....one was for a collapsed bladder and 3-inch hernia, the next was a brain aneurysm and the last was neck surgery which I had to wear a c-collar for 6-8 weeks 24/7.   That was a rough year...I had to be careful what I did and couldn't really exercise due to healing.  
I knew I had to do something about my weight but I didn't have patience and I wanted it now.  So I tried this fad diet called HCG and only ate certain foods and 800 calories a day.  I felt sick at first but I was determined to stick with it and the weight came off fast.  I couldn't exercise due to the low calories and my hypoglycemia (blood sugar) was low enough.
I was not going to up my calories because I did not want the weight back on....I was very stubborn.  After a few months of doing this diet and eating the same foods over and over I did loose weight and was happy but also very bored by not having other foods.  So I decided to gradually add other foods into my diet besides only white meat and green veggies.  I felt better adding a little more of a variety of  food but then I went for it!  
I didn't realize that I had deprived myself so much in others foods and I was so hungry for the food I wasn't allowed to have.  I ate and ate and ate and didn't care until I saw a pic of myself again. I put the weight back on and more.
I was so disgusted in myself and depressed even more than I was before so I turned to something that made me feel better and not worry about being scared.

More to come...

I got home and had two girls to take care of.  It wasn't easy...I was not happy with how I looked and my self-esteem was crappy.
I started looking into these fad diets....the cabbage diet, diet pills, making myself get sick but they only worked temporarily.  The weight came off but as soon as I stopped I would gain it back plus more.
I was so frustrated and every time I looked in the mirror I couldn't stand what I saw.
I decided to go on anti-depressant pills and those helped.  I felt better and I was smiling and having fun again.
But then 5 years into our marriage...we had some serious situations happen.  I had a nervous breakdown from my abusive past, my husband had major surgery and our marriage was on a serious downhill slope.  It was a very rough year....I didn't think we would make it but with the help of God and family and friends...we did!  
Things were going really good until I saw a picture of myself and wondered how in the world did I get that way?  And how could my husband love me?

More to come...