FLASHBACKS FROM THE PAST...

Things were going great the first few years of our marriage.  We had two gorgeous daughters and enjoying life.

Then five years into our marriage things got tough...I was having flashbacks from my past and I didn't understand what was going on.  I was so scared and felt like I was going crazy.

The day came when I couldn't handle it anymore....I wanted to run and get away from the thoughts and emotions going on in me.  My husband locked the door so I couldn't leave...he was very worried about me.  That sound of the door being locked triggered a memory in me that scared the hell out of me and I lost it!

I grabbed something to protect myself so I wouldn't get hurt.  I didn't see my husband as my husband...I saw him as the person who had hurt me.  I didn't realize that my oldest daughter was there and had witnessed it.   What was I doing???  What was wrong with me???

My husband called our pastor for help and we went to go

talk to him.  While I was sitting there I was thinking...PLEASE don't make me go back there....I didn't want to talk about it...I don't want to relive that moment.  No one had believed me before especially my mom...why would anyone else?

The pastor and our church were so nice and helped me get through those painful days.  Again, I didn't know people could care that much about me....it was an amazing feeling.

Things got better but then we had something else happen...

More to come...

TESTING TO SEE IF THIS IS FOR REAL...

I had graduated from Job Corp and it was time to move in with my boyfriend.  I was still very scared and worried that all he wanted was the same thing that had been happening for years.

I needed to know if this guy was for real so I started testing him.  I would be such a brat and keep asking him if he really loved me.  I would make him mad on purpose to see if he would stay.  I would get so scared that he would find someone better and leave me.

I was so insecure that I honestly felt this was a dream and I would wake up and he would be gone.  I didn't want to go back to that hell hole I lived in for so many years but I didn't realize what a pain in the ass I was being.

I would smother him and not want him out of my sight for fear of him not coming back.  Over and over he reassured me that he loved me and wasn't going anywhere.

Finally after 5 years (yes 5 years) I knew he wasn't going anywhere and he loved me for me.  We were doing great and had two beautiful daughters.

But then...our marriage hit a rough point..I didn't understand what was happening...

More to come...

FEAR AND WORRY CAN BE HARD BUT CONTINUE TO BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!

AM I DREAMING?

The day that I had to leave was a hard one...I was nervous and scared to start this new chapter of my life but I knew I needed to.

The country was gorgeous and I fell in love with it right away.  When the bus arrived at Job Corps it was late and I was tired.  The next morning was filled with activity and orientation.  I didn't realize that there was only the upstairs of one dorm that the girls stayed in....the other 3.5 dorms were guys.  What had I gotten myself into???

Well....the same things from before happened.  I went back to my old ways...doing things that I used to do to get attention.  Was this ever going to end?  Would I ever find someone that truly loved me for me and not what I gave?

I was so tired of the worry and fear and being scared of being me.  I was so tired of being someone I wasn't.

That day came on 4/4/89 when I met the man that I had been looking for.  I had no idea that someone could care about me and love me for me.  Was this real?  Or was I dreaming?

More to come...

SEARCHING...

I kept searching and searching for that attention and love I wanted.  Even if that meant doing things I didn't want to...being with guys I didn't like or taking dares that I didn't feel comfortable with.
 The wrong attention was better than no attention right?

I wanted someone to love me for me NOT for what I could do for them or to be used until they were done with me and move on to the next person.  What was wrong with me?  I tried so hard to be the person that they wanted me to be and it wasn't good enough.

It got to the point where I thought this was the way it was supposed to be.  I thought that this was the only way to be loved.  Deep inside I hoped there was something more than this.

After years of hearing those so called "I love yous" and being used and being someone I was not I decided to leave and signed up for Job Corps.  I was so ready for a fresh start and hoped and prayed it would be different there.

So...off I went to a new chapter in my life...or so I hoped.

More to come...

WRONG CHOICES....LOST AND CONFUSED

I began searching for different ways to get the attention I wanted and  craved.

Yes...I went to church and knew what it was all about BUT I wasn't ready....going to church was a way for me to get out of the house and escape the pain that was there.
 Friends and I would go on down to the local 7-Eleven and play some pinball or just hang out and then head back to church for the ride home.

*First thing...I started to lose weight and not in a good way.  There were these diet pills called dexatrim...they should have labeled them speed.  Instead of one a day I took 4-5 a day and man was I feeling good...not hungry at all.
BUT if I did eat....no problem.  I would make myself get sick so I wouldn't have to worry about that.  I mean...guys liked thin girls and that is how I get attention.

I felt that if I was skinny enough and pretty enough I would be accepted and get what I wanted...love and attention

*Second thing...I needed to start partying and that was when I started drinking and smoking.   I tried pot but didn't care for it very much but then I tried acid and that I really liked!
Here was another way I could get attention....I didn't care at that time if I was changing who I was to be part of a crowd...at least I had friends.

*Third thing....this one was the hardest but I did it anyway.  My boyfriend at the time told me if I didn't sleep with him that he had a friend of his that would.  He got mad at me for saying no and left to go be with her.  I was so upset and afraid that I was going to lose him that I called him and begged him to come back and yes I would sleep with him.

I felt used and disgusted in myself...but I did not stop.  I wanted to be accepted and I wanted that attention so bad.....I would do what I had to to keep it.

More to come...

PAST MEMORIES..."FIRST" SHOUT FOR HELP

Yesterday I was in a meeting and I remembered other reasons "WHY" I do what I do and why "paying it forward" is so important to me.

I came from an abusive home and I remember when I was about 13-14 years old I kept thinking about ending my life.  I would be at school and daydream about jumping through the window every day.  The kids at school would bully me and make fun of me...they had no idea what was going on at my home and I felt so alone I couldn't talk to anyone.

When I got to Junior High I thought things would change....no they didn't.  Kids were bullies and mean in this school too.
 One day I remember talking to a substitute teacher about how I was feeling and what was going on in my home and she told a counselor.  The counselor called my mom and set up a meeting.  The counselor told my mom what was going on with the bullying and suicidal thoughts.  All my mom could say was "what will the neighbors think" and "what have I done wrong".

Not once did my mom ask me what was wrong and if I was okay.  That day I decided if my mom didn't care...why should I?  I took A LOT of pills but all it did was make me sick...really sick.  My mom just thought it was the flu and that day of the meeting never came up again.

Evidently I was still here for a reason...I just didn't know what it was and for that matter didn't care.

This was the start of searching for other ways to get accepted and get attention.

More to come...