DARE TO DREAM...

I tried different jobs here and there but none of them gave me what I wanted....loving my job.

I wanted something where I could help others, work from home and have the freedom to take a day off if I wanted BUT did a job like that exist?  The other jobs I tried to do from home were just not what I was looking for.

I kept praying and hoping that a job like this would come my way but I kept thinking "yeah right..in your dreams!"  Would I ever find what I was looking for?

Then a friend of mine told me about this GREAT opportunity that (again) sounded too good to be true.  BUT there was something different about this one....I couldn't get it out of my mind no matter how hard I tried and EVERY time I prayed about it...boom...there it was.

I was still very nervous and scared but I thought since it keeps popping into my head..."why not?"

So I did!

Let the journey begin...

More to come...

LEAVING A JOB I LOVED BUT SUPRISES AROUND THE CORNER...

After being released from the surgeries in 2011 I needed to think about going back to work but I couldn't do what I had done before....I had to be careful how much I lifted.

I had been an EMT (emergency medical technician) before and I decided to get my training current and get back to that.  I loved the medical field and helping others.  I was really excited.  :-)

My training was all caught up and now I could sign up to be on call again.  I really enjoyed being an EMT and even took the job as head supervisor.  Well..the agency was having some problems so they brought in an outside person to help and made it to where other emt's could apply for the head supervisor position.

There were two of us (myself and another person) who applied for the job.  I decided since this person was newer than me and had some really good ideas to go ahead and step down and give them the position.  It was going to be a nice change.

Things started off great until this person decided that "it was his way or the highway" which did not set well with some of us since this was a volunteer job as well.  He was very close to being like another boss I had had but not as bad tempered.  He did not like it when anyone (especially the emt's who had been there over 5 years) would give him advice or ask him questions which he felt undermined his authority.

He felt like he had should have control on any scene even if it was another agency's like the fire and police department.  He wanted to be in charge period and I did NOT want to work for someone who would not respect the other agencies...after all we were all a TEAM and wanted to help others.

It took me over a year of praying and having God guide me to make up my mind and I decided to leave the EMS (emergence medical services).  I was going to miss it but I knew in my heart that I couldn't stay.  Everything I did was being questioned and I was not happy...I was even told to retake the course and I didn't have to.

So...now that I had left the job I really loved...what now?  Would I find another job that I loved as much as that one?

More to come...

2011...WHAT A ROUGH YEAR!

I loved my new job and being able to help with the finances.  BUT here come some challenges...

One evening I noticed something weird and asked my husband to please come here.  Well....we didn't know what was going on so off to the doctor I went.  To put it in simple words...my insides were falling.

Off to surgery #1.....I got a 3 for 1 deal.  I found out my bladder and  rectal wall had fallen (I apologize if that was too much information) AND I had a 3-inch hernia...oh goodie.  Recovering went well as long as I behaved myself..which wasn't easy.  Back to work I went once I got the doctor's release.

Then one night I starting noticing that the pressure in my head got worse and worse when I laid down.  I have had this before but not this bad.  So I went to the doctor and explained what was going on and a CT was done but they wanted more of a detailed picture so an MRI was scheduled.   They had found a brain aneurysm behind my left eye.

Off to surgery #2...we had to travel to Seattle which is about a 6 hour drive to get this taken care of.   I had two choices to have it coiled (which is a little wire that goes up my femoral artery and they wrap the aneurysm) or clipped (which is having a piece of my skull removed and then the aneurysm is cut).  It wasn't that big so the clipping sounded better and the recovery time was shorter.

As soon as I was healed and had the doctor's release...back to work I went again.

Then I was at work and noticed pain radiating from my neck down to my left arm and my left hand going numb.  It was so uncomfortable and painful that it was hard to work or sleep.  One day I was taking the dishes out of the dishwasher and put them on the counter..when I did that I felt a pop in my neck and AWFUL pain.
I was in tears to the point of calling someone from the next shift in early to go to the doctor.  They gave me a toradol shot and that helped a little but the pain would not stop.
So off to see the doctor once again and I was referred to a specialist in spokane.  They did x-rays and found that I had a ruptured disk, bone spurs and nerve damage.

Off to surgery #3...it was during the holiday season when I got this surgery and I got to come home on Thanksgiving from Spokane...which was a 2.5 to 3 hour drive.  Longest drive home ever!
I had 6 screws, a metal plate and a piece of my thigh bone put in my neck to strengthen it again.  I had to wear a cervical collar for 6-8 weeks 24/7.   It was so uncomfortable.

I had to be very careful how much I did and how much I lifted...the recovery time was long and boring.

I went back to work but it wasn't for very long...I just couldn't take the chance of further injury and had to be careful.  It wasn't a pleasant experience leaving but I did what I had to do.

The year of 2011 was very hard and not my idea of getting time off...not my idea of a vacation.

Now that I was out of work...what do I do now???

More to come...

NEW JOB...HAPPY DANCE!

I had been praying and waiting for a chance to find a different job because I couldn't leave until I did...we NEEDED the extra income.

A friend of mine told me that there was a nurses aid course being offered at the hospital and I applied for it and got in!  YEAH!  I was so happy and I love helping people...it was an answer to prayer.
My boss was less than thrilled that I was leaving but I knew I needed to get out of there...even though I liked the job...it wasn't worth it to be scared of your boss and treated like crap.

I took the class and it was pretty good...I have always loved the medical field.  When the class was done I applied for the noc shift (graveyard...which you don't say in a nursing home  LOL) because people didn't want it and I was a night owl anyway and didn't mind.

There were hard days especially when the resident was sick or passed away but helping others was something I loved to do and even though it wasn't easy and there were times I cried I still kept going.  When I saw a smile or a sparkle in the residents eyes...that made it all worth it.

A day shift position came open and my husband wanted to see me more so I applied and got it.  It was different than noc shift....the bosses and other workers were there so it wasn't as quiet as it had been.  But the time went by fast and before I knew it it was time to go home.

Well...I started to have some physical problems and I had to take a part-time position and I had to be very careful.  But then I got offered a job in the Assisted Living Facility which is next to the hospital and I accepted.

This was different and I enjoyed this job as well...we took trips and played games and did baking (which I love) and we had more interaction with the residents.

But my physical problems were not getting better and 2011 was one tough year...

More to come...

BACK TO WORK...STAY STRONG

I realized that my husband was stressing out about finances and I knew I needed to help him.  That was something I felt in my heart I needed to do...I just couldn't watch him work his butt off and not help.

I talked to him about it and he wasn't thrilled but he knew the extra income would help.  So I applied for a job at this Inn getting remodeled and I got the job as the receptionist.  Loved office work!

My boss seemed very nice at first and then I saw her temper....wow!  If things weren't done her way...she would throw things (like the freshly folded laundry) and make you do it over again and she would throw the housekeeping slips on the clipboards on the floor because they weren't done right.  She would make the employees feel worthless and they weren't good enough.

 I have never seen a boss act like this and make her employees cry.  One minute she was nice and buy us all pizza the next minute she was throwing things and yelling...she reminded me of  Dr. Jekyll/Mr, Hyde.

The days that my boss acted out...I wanted to hide under my desk or run for fear of being yelled at our hit.  She reminded me of my mother and I hated the way that made me feel!

I knew I wanted to get out of there but we needed the money.  I didn't want to work for a boss like this.   Maybe just maybe there was something else...

More to come...

SURGERY..NOT AN OPTION

We were at a Job Corps reunion at the lake with some of our friends and I noticed my husband was not feeling well.

He had a fever and chills and when I palpitated his abdomen he was very tender and sore.  It took me awhile to convince him to go to the hospital...he kept saying he was fine BUT he was not fine.  Well...I finally got his stubborn ass into the car and we had a friend of ours watch the girls so I could take him to the ER.  They ran some tests and it was his appendix very close to bursting. This was his first surgery and he was not happy at all.

My husband was a workaholic and he did NOT want to miss work and have to rest and get better (another thing he hated).  But if he didn't get the surgery his appendix would burst and that is NOT a choice I was going to give him.

So off he went to get the operation he needed.

He was pretty sore when he got home and I had no idea when I rented the movie "Grumpy Old Men" he would be literally busting a gut...OOPS!  It was a good movie though and he enjoyed it between the laughing and "uggs".

Our 5th year of our marriage was tough...there was other things that were challenging but we made it work and we made it through.

But once again....there came struggles...but we both knew we would make it through...

More to come...

FLASHBACKS FROM THE PAST...

Things were going great the first few years of our marriage.  We had two gorgeous daughters and enjoying life.

Then five years into our marriage things got tough...I was having flashbacks from my past and I didn't understand what was going on.  I was so scared and felt like I was going crazy.

The day came when I couldn't handle it anymore....I wanted to run and get away from the thoughts and emotions going on in me.  My husband locked the door so I couldn't leave...he was very worried about me.  That sound of the door being locked triggered a memory in me that scared the hell out of me and I lost it!

I grabbed something to protect myself so I wouldn't get hurt.  I didn't see my husband as my husband...I saw him as the person who had hurt me.  I didn't realize that my oldest daughter was there and had witnessed it.   What was I doing???  What was wrong with me???

My husband called our pastor for help and we went to go

talk to him.  While I was sitting there I was thinking...PLEASE don't make me go back there....I didn't want to talk about it...I don't want to relive that moment.  No one had believed me before especially my mom...why would anyone else?

The pastor and our church were so nice and helped me get through those painful days.  Again, I didn't know people could care that much about me....it was an amazing feeling.

Things got better but then we had something else happen...

More to come...

TESTING TO SEE IF THIS IS FOR REAL...

I had graduated from Job Corp and it was time to move in with my boyfriend.  I was still very scared and worried that all he wanted was the same thing that had been happening for years.

I needed to know if this guy was for real so I started testing him.  I would be such a brat and keep asking him if he really loved me.  I would make him mad on purpose to see if he would stay.  I would get so scared that he would find someone better and leave me.

I was so insecure that I honestly felt this was a dream and I would wake up and he would be gone.  I didn't want to go back to that hell hole I lived in for so many years but I didn't realize what a pain in the ass I was being.

I would smother him and not want him out of my sight for fear of him not coming back.  Over and over he reassured me that he loved me and wasn't going anywhere.

Finally after 5 years (yes 5 years) I knew he wasn't going anywhere and he loved me for me.  We were doing great and had two beautiful daughters.

But then...our marriage hit a rough point..I didn't understand what was happening...

More to come...

FEAR AND WORRY CAN BE HARD BUT CONTINUE TO BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!

AM I DREAMING?

The day that I had to leave was a hard one...I was nervous and scared to start this new chapter of my life but I knew I needed to.

The country was gorgeous and I fell in love with it right away.  When the bus arrived at Job Corps it was late and I was tired.  The next morning was filled with activity and orientation.  I didn't realize that there was only the upstairs of one dorm that the girls stayed in....the other 3.5 dorms were guys.  What had I gotten myself into???

Well....the same things from before happened.  I went back to my old ways...doing things that I used to do to get attention.  Was this ever going to end?  Would I ever find someone that truly loved me for me and not what I gave?

I was so tired of the worry and fear and being scared of being me.  I was so tired of being someone I wasn't.

That day came on 4/4/89 when I met the man that I had been looking for.  I had no idea that someone could care about me and love me for me.  Was this real?  Or was I dreaming?

More to come...

SEARCHING...

I kept searching and searching for that attention and love I wanted.  Even if that meant doing things I didn't want to...being with guys I didn't like or taking dares that I didn't feel comfortable with.
 The wrong attention was better than no attention right?

I wanted someone to love me for me NOT for what I could do for them or to be used until they were done with me and move on to the next person.  What was wrong with me?  I tried so hard to be the person that they wanted me to be and it wasn't good enough.

It got to the point where I thought this was the way it was supposed to be.  I thought that this was the only way to be loved.  Deep inside I hoped there was something more than this.

After years of hearing those so called "I love yous" and being used and being someone I was not I decided to leave and signed up for Job Corps.  I was so ready for a fresh start and hoped and prayed it would be different there.

So...off I went to a new chapter in my life...or so I hoped.

More to come...

WRONG CHOICES....LOST AND CONFUSED

I began searching for different ways to get the attention I wanted and  craved.

Yes...I went to church and knew what it was all about BUT I wasn't ready....going to church was a way for me to get out of the house and escape the pain that was there.
 Friends and I would go on down to the local 7-Eleven and play some pinball or just hang out and then head back to church for the ride home.

*First thing...I started to lose weight and not in a good way.  There were these diet pills called dexatrim...they should have labeled them speed.  Instead of one a day I took 4-5 a day and man was I feeling good...not hungry at all.
BUT if I did eat....no problem.  I would make myself get sick so I wouldn't have to worry about that.  I mean...guys liked thin girls and that is how I get attention.

I felt that if I was skinny enough and pretty enough I would be accepted and get what I wanted...love and attention

*Second thing...I needed to start partying and that was when I started drinking and smoking.   I tried pot but didn't care for it very much but then I tried acid and that I really liked!
Here was another way I could get attention....I didn't care at that time if I was changing who I was to be part of a crowd...at least I had friends.

*Third thing....this one was the hardest but I did it anyway.  My boyfriend at the time told me if I didn't sleep with him that he had a friend of his that would.  He got mad at me for saying no and left to go be with her.  I was so upset and afraid that I was going to lose him that I called him and begged him to come back and yes I would sleep with him.

I felt used and disgusted in myself...but I did not stop.  I wanted to be accepted and I wanted that attention so bad.....I would do what I had to to keep it.

More to come...