PAST MEMORIES..."FIRST" SHOUT FOR HELP

Yesterday I was in a meeting and I remembered other reasons "WHY" I do what I do and why "paying it forward" is so important to me.

I came from an abusive home and I remember when I was about 13-14 years old I kept thinking about ending my life.  I would be at school and daydream about jumping through the window every day.  The kids at school would bully me and make fun of me...they had no idea what was going on at my home and I felt so alone I couldn't talk to anyone.

When I got to Junior High I thought things would change....no they didn't.  Kids were bullies and mean in this school too.
 One day I remember talking to a substitute teacher about how I was feeling and what was going on in my home and she told a counselor.  The counselor called my mom and set up a meeting.  The counselor told my mom what was going on with the bullying and suicidal thoughts.  All my mom could say was "what will the neighbors think" and "what have I done wrong".

Not once did my mom ask me what was wrong and if I was okay.  That day I decided if my mom didn't care...why should I?  I took A LOT of pills but all it did was make me sick...really sick.  My mom just thought it was the flu and that day of the meeting never came up again.

Evidently I was still here for a reason...I just didn't know what it was and for that matter didn't care.

This was the start of searching for other ways to get accepted and get attention.

More to come...

THE PAST CAN PLAY TRICKS ON YOU...

There are days that I look at myself and don't think the weight is coming off fast enough.  There are days when I get so frustrated that I still want a drink even though it has been a year.
Then the thoughts of what I used to do come back into my head and I have to fight to not do those again.

Taking diet pills (more in a day than I should have) and making myself throw up so the food didn't digest and eating only 500-800 calories a day.  I tried the cabbage diet, the banana diet, the no-carb diet (this really messed with my hypoglycemia) and the no-sugar diet.  I did  all of these and my weight came back and more.
I didn't WANT to do the work....I wanted the "magic pill" and the "quick fix".  I am NOT a very patient person when it comes to weight loss.   I would work out one day and look in the mirror to see if I lost anything...have you ever done any of these?

I still have a hard time with waiting but I know that hard work....exercise and healthy eating pay off.  I have NEVER felt this good about myself in years.  I can look in the mirror and smile and I am believing in myself again!

WHEN THE PAST COMES BACK AND TRIES TO TRICK ME INTO DOING THE THINGS I USED TO DO....I LOOK AT HOW FAR I HAVE COME AND I THINK OF MY "WHY" WHEN I STARTED THIS JOURNEY AND I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK...I DON'T LIVE THERE ANYMORE.

ONE DAY AT A TIME....I CAN DO THIS!

The choice is YOURS!

There are good and bad days when you decide to make a change in your life.
So many times I have wanted to give up...so many times I have looked at others and have been envious of their accomplishments and successes.  I ask the question..."Why can't I be like them?"

BUT I AM NOT THEM...I AM ME!

The only one that can make those choices to be better than I was yesterday is ME!  The only one that can get over the pity party is ME!  The only one that can get out of their own head and stop listening to those negative thoughts is ME!  The only one that can keep choosing to move forward is ME!

I can get compliments ALL day about how far I have come and it takes just ONE negative comment to make that all go away.  Why concentrate on one negative when you have tons of positives?  

Everyday I have to CHOOSE to make that decision to keep going.  I have to make that decision to not give up.  I have to make that decision to keep looking ahead.  I have to make that decision to be better than I was yesterday.

SO...WHAT DO YOU CHOOSE???

Another Awakening....BEFORE AND CURRENT PICS

When I first saw a pic of what I looked like...it blew me away!  How could did I get like this???  I was shocked and KNEW I had so do something.

This is the picture I took before I started my second journey on 9/14/14.  I weighed 173.4# and 212 inches all around.  I was disgusted with myself and wanted to cry.
I needed to do something but what?
I talked to a friend of mine who introduced me to this program called Beachbody.  At first I wasn't sure about it but then I thought....what have a I got to loose?  I HAD to do something...I was so embarrassed by how I looked.
So I started this new journey of exercising and eating healthier.
Man was it hard!  I didn't think I could make it through the first week BUT I did.  I made that choice to be better than I was yesterday.

This is where I am now...I have lost a total of 35 inches all around and 20 pounds since my journey began.  It is not just the numbers I look at but how I feel about myself and I can look in the mirror and smile again.
I have only just begun this next journey and I am excited and nervous about what is in the future.
Paying it forward is an amazing thing I can do and I am.

More to come...

Journey continues...

Even though I have been sober for one year I face challenges every day and every day I make that choice whether or not I am going to drink .

 Sure I still crave those feelings I got from drinking...that feeling of what I THOUGHT was freedom of worry and fear.  That feeling of having fun and being the "party girl" everyone loved.  That feeling of being  accepted and feeling good about myself.
So then I start to think that one drink won't hurt but then reality hits me and I KNOW it will.  I don't want to go back to that place where I was because I don't live there anymore.  I don't want to relive the pain and emotions that hit me so hard in the beginning.  It is NOT worth it.

So...I knew I needed to make other changes in my life and NOT let alcohol consume my thoughts.  But what?  What could I do that would help me feel good about myself?  What could I do that would change my mindset?  What could I do that would help me smile again?

I got that answer and fear of another change crept in BUT it was time to start another journey...

More to come...

ONE YEAR...it wasn't easy but I CAN and WILL do this!

Today is my one year anniversary of my sobriety!
I remember that first day and didn't know if I was going to make it or not.  Even the smell of alcohol was hard to handle.

Then 3 months came and that was extremely hard...I thought it would get easier but no.  I was hit with emotions and feelings that I had buried and I felt like I was loosing it.  I was so angry and crying for no reason...what was wrong with me?
I wanted a drink SO bad but I KNEW if I had one sip that would be the end of what I had accomplished.    I refused to go back and start over so I kept moving forward one day at a time....one minute at a time.

Then 6 months came and I was feeling better.  But there were these questions I kept asking myself..."would I ever have fun again...would I ever be able to be myself without alcohol?"

Then 9 months came and my husband and I went to a family reunion and I was so worried that I wasn't going to be able to have fun while others were drinking BUT I did!
My oldest daughter was so proud of me and made a comment that she had not seen me have that much fun in a long time.  That made me feel so good about myself and I knew I could do this!

One year is here and I am so VERY thankful to the support of friends and family. There are still hard days but I know I can do this because I CHOOSE to.  I do NOT want to go back to who I was a year ago.
 I know my limits and I know my triggers...I won't go into a bar because I know I am not ready and it is still hard to go to events with others drinking around me BUT now I know all things are possible and I am on my way!

More to come...

A lot of fear..

When I got home from that meeting there were so many thoughts and feelings going through my mind...the main one was FEAR.

  How was I going to get through this without the comfort of alcohol?  How was I going to be me when I didn't even know who I was?  How was I going to have fun?  Were people going to like me now that I quit...now that I wasn't the "party girl" anymore?  Am I strong enough?  Did I make the right decision?  

Questions kept flooding my mind...

I was so confused and so scared...CAN I DO THIS???

More to come...

First step...

When we got home I decided to talk to a good friend of mine who understood what I was going through.
I explained to her what was going on and was told to go to an alcoholic anonymous meeting.
I didn't want to...I was scared...what would they think of me?  What would I say?
After trying to talk myself out of going...I decided to go to the meeting and I was shaking and in tears...was I doing the right thing?  I pulled up to where the meeting was and wanted to turn the car around so bad and go home but I went in.
As I opened that door...all eyes were on the new person walking through that door.  I wanted to run...I was so scared and wanted a drink REALLY bad!
But everyone there was so nice and understanding of what I was going through...the support they gave me was amazing!
I was relieved that I went but the my journey had only begun...

More to come...

First awakening...

We went to see our oldest daughter and I had been asked to watch my granddaughter so the others could go out on the party bus for their time.   My daughter told me to promise to only have one beer while I was watching my granddaughter and I said yes.
Well...they all left and I had that one beer and drank it pretty fast but then noticed there was more and some wine too.  I knew I had promised but one more couldn't hurt and then I had another one and so forth until all the beer was gone.
I was full from drinking a six-pack and I had drank it fast but thought...what the hell...I could go make myself sick and have room for more...so I did.  Then I drank all the wine.
Well...the bus pulled up rather unexpectedly and my daughter dropped off her husband because he was very sick so I was asked to watch and take care of him too so they could get back on the bus.
That was frustrating and a total buzz kill but I did what was asked of me.
When my daughter and husband finally got back...I felt so guilty for what I had done and told my daughter.
Least to say she was very upset with me and asked me why I would break a promise like that and take the chance of NOT being able to take care of my granddaughter.  I hadn't thought about it that way and I was very disappointed in myself and the light bulb went off in my brain.
I FINALLY realized after about 2 and a half years that I might have a problem.
What am I going to do now???

More to come...

So...it was getting to the point where all I could think about was drinking.  I would wake up and want a drink, I wouldn't go to bed until I had a drink, I would run out of alcohol and drink whatever I could find including our nyquil and cooking sherry.
I wouldn't stop even after I threw up...I would drink more just to keep that buzz I wanted so much.
I didn't care how silly I looked... I didn't care that I couldn't walk straight.. I didn't care if I passed out or if I had a terrible hangover the next day.  I NEEDED that drink!
My drinking kept me from feeling the pain and fear that would get so overwhelming....I NEEDED that numb feeling....I NEEDED to escape!
I was so scared to be me for fear of rejection that drinking was the only solution I could think of to stop these thoughts and emotions.
And still I would NOT admit that I had a problem.  I kept telling myself that I had this under control and I could stop whenever I wanted.
Then came the day that reality HIT me in the head...

More to come...

 At first my drinking started off casual and just once and a while but then I wanted/needed that "feel good" feeling and that "buzz" I got from it.
When I was out of alcohol I pretty much begged my husband to let me get more and I would promise it would last...but it didn't.
I kept drinking and found ways to hide it (or so I thought)  so people would leave me alone.
When my husband went to meetings I would drink as much as I could as fast as I could so he wouldn't tell me I have had enough.  I thought...I'll show him and he can't stop me.
I would hide the cans and bottles so my husband wouldn't see how much I drank.
My husband started marking the vodka bottle with a permanent marker to see how much was drank from it.  That was a nice try....I would drink from it and then add water right back up to the line so he would think I hadn't touched it.   I was smarter than him...he couldn't trick me.
 My husband and others kept telling me I had a problem but I didn't believe them and it would make me angry again.  They were ruining my good time!
 I was getting really tired of everyone telling me to stop drinking...it was my choice not theirs.  The more they pushed me the more I kept drinking.

More to come...

So...I liked to drink..big deal!
I was getting REALLY tired of everyone telling me I had a problem and I thought they were full of shit.  It made me so angry when people told me I had enough to drink and I should stop...who the hell did they think they were???  I did NOT have a problem!
I had my drinking under control and they were just trying to be controlling and not let me have any fun.   So what if I was drinking my drinks faster than them and everyone else's if they didn't want it.  I wanted that buzz and that "I feel good" feeling.
Didn't they realize that I was having a good time and coming out of my shell???  I was going to drink whether they liked it or not.  And I did.

More to come...

So...the substance that I turned to was alcohol.  I had drank before in my teen years and partied once in a while but this time was different.
I would go to events and be known as "The Party Girl".  Everyone was saying how much fun I was and wanted to sit at my table at an event or hang out with me because of it...I was on cloud nine!
I couldn't believe how much people liked me and wanted to be around me...it was awesome!

So every time I want to someone's house or an event or even at home...I was drinking.  I loved how I felt while drinking and I loved not having to worry about what people thought.  It was a wonderful numb feeling and I was having a blast!
When I would go out and feel that nervous feeling...I would just have a couple of beers (well..more than a couple) and relax. I didn't have a thing to worry about and I wasn't hurting anyone or doing anything wrong.  I mean..come on...I was coming out of my shell and having a good time.
I had no idea that my drinking was turning into something bigger than I thought.

More to come...

I had had 3 different surgeries in 2011....one was for a collapsed bladder and 3-inch hernia, the next was a brain aneurysm and the last was neck surgery which I had to wear a c-collar for 6-8 weeks 24/7.   That was a rough year...I had to be careful what I did and couldn't really exercise due to healing.  
I knew I had to do something about my weight but I didn't have patience and I wanted it now.  So I tried this fad diet called HCG and only ate certain foods and 800 calories a day.  I felt sick at first but I was determined to stick with it and the weight came off fast.  I couldn't exercise due to the low calories and my hypoglycemia (blood sugar) was low enough.
I was not going to up my calories because I did not want the weight back on....I was very stubborn.  After a few months of doing this diet and eating the same foods over and over I did loose weight and was happy but also very bored by not having other foods.  So I decided to gradually add other foods into my diet besides only white meat and green veggies.  I felt better adding a little more of a variety of  food but then I went for it!  
I didn't realize that I had deprived myself so much in others foods and I was so hungry for the food I wasn't allowed to have.  I ate and ate and ate and didn't care until I saw a pic of myself again. I put the weight back on and more.
I was so disgusted in myself and depressed even more than I was before so I turned to something that made me feel better and not worry about being scared.

More to come...

I got home and had two girls to take care of.  It wasn't easy...I was not happy with how I looked and my self-esteem was crappy.
I started looking into these fad diets....the cabbage diet, diet pills, making myself get sick but they only worked temporarily.  The weight came off but as soon as I stopped I would gain it back plus more.
I was so frustrated and every time I looked in the mirror I couldn't stand what I saw.
I decided to go on anti-depressant pills and those helped.  I felt better and I was smiling and having fun again.
But then 5 years into our marriage...we had some serious situations happen.  I had a nervous breakdown from my abusive past, my husband had major surgery and our marriage was on a serious downhill slope.  It was a very rough year....I didn't think we would make it but with the help of God and family and friends...we did!  
Things were going really good until I saw a picture of myself and wondered how in the world did I get that way?  And how could my husband love me?

More to come...