TRUTH...YOU ARE A BADASS! NO BS!

YOUR JOURNEY IS YOUR OWN...NOT SOMEONE ELSE'S

I remember before I started my journey FOR ME I would try to change for others.  I wanted their approval and I was so worried and scared that if I didn't I would be a disappointment to them.
I would try over and over to be someone I wasn't just to make others happy but in the mean time I was miserable.  Would I ever make that choice for me???

That time came in 2014 when I decided to make those changes FOR ME.  I had to be ready....I had to make that decision to change and I NEEDED to take that first step for me.

Having others be proud of you and be happy for you is an amazing feeling BUT if that is your main reason for changing than your not doing it for you.  You HAVE to look deep inside yourself and make that choice to take that first step in your journey.

This past year and a half has been full of ups and downs but knowing that I made that decision to change for me is so rewarding and fulfilling.  My journey is not over and not everyone will understand it but that's okay....it is mine NOT theirs.

18 MONTHS SOBER!

18 MONTHS SOBER!!!
I remember that day that I first walked into a meeting...I was so scared and wanted to run. I had no idea what was in store for me and I didn't know what I was going to do with the feelings and emotions I had bottled up for years.
The first 6 months were very hard...I was angry, frustrated, confused and cried. I didn't want to deal with the feelings and emotions coming out...all I wanted to do was grab a drink to numb myself...but I didn't.
There are days I am okay and there are days I struggle...but I have to remember why I walked into that meeting and I have to remember how far I have come.
I am an alcoholic and I CAN do this...one day at a time!

"MY WHY"...TAKING THAT FIRST STEP

BE SOMEONE ELSE OR BE YOU??? THE CHOICE IS YOURS

So many times I have been afraid of being me.  I worry about what people think and what people would say.
The "IF ONLY'S" would creep into my mind and I would try so hard to change to be the person others thought I should be.  I would focus so much on what everyone else wanted and what others were doing that I was losing sight of who I was.  I would get frustrated, angry and cry wondering what was wrong with me.

I would see what others were doing and tried to be like them...jealously and envy started to cloud my mind and all I could think about was what I needed to change about myself that would work.  The more I tried to be like someone else...the more I was stopping me from being who I was...my mindset sucked!

I am starting to realize that the only person I can be is ME!  I am one of a kind and a daily work in progress.  All I can do is be better that I was yesterday and keep going for my dreams and follow my heart.

I CHOOSE TO BE ME...I DARE TO BE DIFFERENT!

What do you choose???

WORDS HAVE A HUGE IMPACT.....STOP THE NEGATIVE! YOU ARE A BLESSING!

Have you heard these things or said them to yourself?

* you are a mistake

* you shouldn't have been born

* you can't do it
* you are going to fail
* you are a pest
* you're not good enough
* nobody likes you
* you are a burden
* she's crying...what's wrong with her this time?
* nobody wants you around
* they feel sorry for you
* you are worthless
* nobody will miss you
* you are nothing

Why are we so hard on ourselves? Why are we so mean to ourselves?

The words we hear and say can have such a HUGE impact on our lives.

Everyday we need to make a choice to either love ourselves and keep going OR continue to destroy ourselves and quit.

I used to use alcohol to numb the pain that I was feeling but that is a very lonely place to be even though I thought it was something that felt like freedom...I was so wrong.

We NEED to change our mindset and see ourselves for how awesome and amazing we are!

I am learning to do this and some days it is not easy...some days it is very hard! I am learning to reprogram my thoughts and feelings towards myself.

This past year has been so rewarding and a struggle at the same time BUT I wouldn't go back to where I was....miserable, lonely and I wanted to disappear.

I am so thankful for the choices I have made because now I am able to finally smile and be proud of who I am. I am a work in progress.

Don't let the past, your thoughts and the words of others tear down who you are! YOU DON'T LIVE THERE ANYMORE!

BELIEVE IN YOU! YOU ARE WORTH IT!

I AM A SURVIVOR....BREAK THOSE CHAINS THAT HOLD YOU!

I AM A SURVIVOR!

When I started my transformation back in September 2014 I was basing my results on the scale and inches and what people thought.

I hated how I looked back then, I was depressed and wanted to hide, I was so lost and felt so alone...I WAS A PRISONER OF MY OWN SELF! I KNEW I had to break free of those chains that held me in that dark place.

So..I made that choice to change for ME...I tried to change for others but I wasn't ready and I felt incomplete.
It was hard in the beginning but I took that baby step every day and I am so thankful I did! The results are SO much more than a number.

I can look at myself in the mirror and smile! I can stand up and say YES I CAN! I am believing in myself!

Yes...I still struggle and have hard days BUT instead of beating myself up over them...I learn from them. Every day is a new day!

I CHOOSE LIFE! I CHOOSE TO STAY OUT OF THAT PRISON I PUT MYSELF IN!

ADDICTION...WHAT I THOUGHT WAS FREEDOM

Wow...as I look back at this photo before I started my journey I remember I was in a sad and lonely place in my life.
I hated the way I looked, I was so disgusted in myself and I just wanted to hide. How could anyone love me looking like this? How could anyone want to be my friend? I didn't even understand how my husband could love me. I was gross! I was so sure that people were thinking..."How can he be with her?...Ewww!"
I honestly thought people liked me out of pity and didn't really care....So I drank.
Numbing my feelings was..to me...the answer. I could have fun and not worry about how I looked...I thought this was freedom from the pain.
The more I drank the better I felt or didn't feel. This was my way of smothering the hurt and pain I felt towards myself and the past.
I hated it when my family/friends told me I had had enough...who the heck were they to tell me I had had enough! I KNEW when I had had enough!

My awakening came when one day I made a promise and I broke that promise due to my drinking. I was watching my granddaughter and said I would only have one beer...I didn't. I drank everything in the fridge.
I had put my granddaughter at risk because I could only think of that drink I wanted. What if something had happened to her? I couldn't drive and I was not thinking clearly.

I KNEW I needed help and I went to my first meeting. It was one of the hardest things I have done and I am still dealing with the feelings I had locked up for so long...I hated it and still do!
There are days that I want a drink SO bad but then I ask myself..."Do you really want to go back to that place?"
I have to choose everyday whether or not I will give in to that bottle or stay strong.
March 22nd, 2014 is my day of true freedom and I am going to keep going one day at a time!

FAILURE ISN'T FINAL...LEARN FROM IT...KEEP GOING!

There have been so many times that I started something and quit because I didn't do it right, didn't get the outcome I wanted or didn't pass a test, etc.  I felt like a failure so I thought why bother even trying.

I have struggled with this mindset for years and still do. 

 BUT the difference is I am learning how to change that mindset and learn from my failures.   I keep going and finding different ways to improve INSTEAD of quitting.  One way doesn't work...then try a different way.

 IF YOU WANT TO REACH YOUR GOALS AND YOUR DREAMS BAD ENOUGH...YOU WILL KEEP TRYING!

There are famous people who failed over and over and over....did they quit?  Did they give up?  I am sure they felt like it BUT they didn't.   They have bad days and hard days just like you and me.  But they refused to give up....they learned from their failures and kept going!

So...I ask myself every day..."How bad do you want this?"  "Are you going to do what it takes to reach that goal?"  "Are you going to do what it takes to reach that dream?"  

My answer is yes and even if I have a setback or a hard day...I need to dig deep and keep going! 

What do you choose?

IS THIS FOR YOU OR FOR THEM?

When it comes to making changes in our lives whether it be fitness, eating healthier, an addiction etc. 

 Who are we doing it for?  

Are we making those changes to impress our friends, boss, family or just people in general?  When we look for that gratification from others sometimes it can be very rewarding other times it can be very painful.  

There is nothing wrong with getting compliments or high fives or others being proud of us BUT if that is the ONLY reason you are wanting to change or begin a journey because people want you to...ask yourself this...

Who am I doing this for?  

I have been down that road of wanting to change and please others but it was never fulfilling and I was never truly happy UNTIL I CHOSE TO CHANGE FOR ME!  I had to make that decision because I wanted to and I felt in my heart I NEEDED to.  

There were so many times I tried to change for someone else and each time I wasn't ready.  I thought that if I changed for my husband or for someone else it would be okay but I wasn't making that decision for me...I was making that decision for them.  

When you make the choice to change or start a journey...PLEASE remember to ask yourself and be honest with yourself...

IS THIS FOR ME OR THEM?

FLUSH THOSE FEARS AND DOUBTS!!!

Do you ever have your fears and doubts keep you from your dreams and goals?  I know I do.

They are like roadblocks stopping me in my tracks.  When those fears and doubts start consuming my thoughts...I freeze.  I start to get worried, scared and question what I am doing.  

I stop living and believing in myself.  And the only one it hurts is me...I put up a wall and want to run and hide.  My family and friends wonder what is going on and I worry about what they would think.   I throw myself a little pity party and then just shut down.  

BUT WHEN THIS HAPPENS...

I dig deeper...I remember my "why" I started this journey in the first place AND I look at how far I have come.  WHY would I want to throw away what I have worked so hard for?  WHY would I want to go back to the way I was feeling before?  I was miserable and felt so alone.  

So...when those doubts and fears hit you like a ton of bricks....STOP, TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND FIGHT!  Flush those thoughts and fears down the toilet because you are stronger than you think and you CAN do this!!! 

INSTEAD OF I CAN'T...SAY "HELL YES I CAN!"

MORE OF MY STORY....I AM A SURVIVOR!

This wasn't easy but I wanted to be real with you...

KEEP BELIEVING AND KEEP GOING! HELL YES YOU CAN!

BE SOMEONE ELSE OR BE ME?

TRUTH...

There are times when I look at myself and wonder... "What if I was like that person?" "What if I did what they did?" "What if I started acting like them?" "Maybe I would be happier?" "Maybe people would like me more?" "Maybe I would feel better about myself?"

The "Maybe's" and "What If's" that go through my head aren't helping me at all. What they are doing is stopping me from being the person I CAN be.

BUT what can I do when those thoughts, worries and fears come creeping into my mind? CHANGE MY MINDSET! I am only hurting myself and not accepting who I am.

So I have a choice...

Do I want to be like someone else?

OR

Do I want to be me?

Even though it can be hard at times...even though I fall into that mindset of wanting to be like other people...even though there are times I let the worries and fears stop me from being who I am...ONE THING I DO KNOW IS...

DON'T EVER STOP BEING YOU!!!

WHAT DOES FREEDOM MEAN TO YOU?

When I think about this question...Freedom means to me to be able to be my own boss, take time off when I want to and make my own schedule.  I don't want to have to worry about answering to someone else...I want that freedom.

BUT was that kind of freedom out there?  

I look back at some of the memories which had me wanting that freedom more and more...

I remember when I was going to college and I was heading to one of my night classes.  My oldest daughter wanted me to stay home but I couldn't.  As I was driving down the road to town...I look in my rear view mirror and there she was chasing the car.  I could hear her yelling and wanting me to stay home.  :-(
That was so hard!  I remember getting to the college and crying.  Someone asked me what was wrong and I said I don't want to be here!  But I finished college and got my degree.

I have NEVER forgotten that day but what could I do?  I tried doing this stuffing envelopes thing..yeah that didn't work.  I tried looking into other online jobs and most of them wanted A LOT of money and/or taking classes I couldn't afford.  Even though some of them sounded good it was just not something I felt in my heart I wanted to do.  I was not happy!

I worked other jobs....a housekeeper, a receptionist, a nurses aid but when I got injured (3 surgeries in one year) that wasn't an option anymore.  I had to be careful what I did.  What was I going to do?  I wanted so badly to help my husband with the finances.

Then one day I looked at a picture of me and couldn't believe how heavy I had gotten!  This was a BIG turning point for me.  I needed to take back control of my life.

I met up with a friend of mine and starting a workout program and I felt so much better about myself.  Was there a way to pay this forward?  I talked to my friend again and I couldn't believe that I had finally found the freedom I had been searching for!

I am able to be my own boss and not worry about asking someone else for time off!  I LOVE being able to spend time with my family and friends when I want...it is a great feeling!  I can put into my job what I want out of it.   I love being able to pay it forward and help others just like I was helped.  It is an amazing feeling!   I am happy and LOVE what I do!    THIS IS WHAT FREEDOM MEANS TO ME!

KEEP BELIEVING...KEEP HOPING...KEEP GOING!

YOU ARE A BADASS!

There are days when I need a good read to bring me back to reality and to help keep me working toward my goals and dreams.

THIS BOOK IS AMAZING!

Excuses keep us from being who we are out of fear and doubt.  

What do you choice?

YUMMY RECIPE!!!...

CAULIFLOWER CRUST PIZZA

INGREDIENTS

• 1 small to medium sized head of cauliflower - should yield 2 to 3 cups once processed
• ¼ cup shredded Parmesan cheese
• ¼ cup low-moisture mozzarella cheese
• 1 egg
• ¼ teaspoon salt
• ½ teaspoon garlic powder
• ½ teaspoon basil or rosemary, minced (or dry)
• ½ teaspoon oregano, minced (or dry)
• 1 cup tomato sauce or paste (mixed with water)
• 1-2 cups mozzarella cheese

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Preheat oven to 500 degrees F.
2. Remove the stems from the cauliflower and cut into chunks, Place the cauliflower into a food processor and pulse it until it resembles the texture of rice. If you don't have a food processor, you can use a cheese grater or chop it very finely.
3. Microwave the processed cauliflower uncovered in a microwave safe bowl for approximately 4-5 minutes on high. Remove it from the microwave and allow it to cool for at least 4-5 minutes (trust me don't rush this step!). After the cauliflower is slightly cooled, place it in a kitchen towel and squeeze all the liquid out of it. Be sure to squeeze as much liquid as humanly possible. 
4. Combine the cooked cauliflower, egg, garlic, cheese, and seasonings. Stir until a dough texture forms. Spread the cauliflower mixture out onto lightly greased parchment paper or a pizza pan in the shape of a pizza crust. 
5. Bake the crust for approximately 10-15 minutes (depending on your oven), or until the crust is golden and crispy. I cooked mine for approximately 15 minutes. After the crust is golden remove it from the oven and add your toppings, I used marinara sauce and cheese for a simple margarita pizza. 
6. Place the pizza back in the oven but this time turn on the broiler, bake for about 2-5 minutes until the cheese melts. be sure to keep an eye on it because the broiler can burn the cheese quickly. 

You can also add any toppings you want!

ENJOY!

NEGATIVE VS. POSITIVE MINDSET...

Lately I have stumbled in my nutrition and workouts and felt like giving up BUT when I was scrolling through my pics I saw the before photo of my very first day that I started this journey and I realized that I have come a long way.
Not only physically but emotionally and mentally as well.

My mindset used to be thoughts of..."Am I doing the right thing?"  "Will I ever reach my goal?"  "Am I strong enough?"  "What if I fail yet again?"

NOW my thoughts are...."yes I can"  "You are strong enough" "Don't look back"  "Keep going!"

The best decision I ever made was believing in myself and taking that first step.  That was the most unselfish thing I could do and I am thankful I did.

There are bad days but it is my choice on what my mindset will be...

Do I let the negative get me down and stay there?
                              OR
Do I use that as fuel to get fired up and go for it?

I have been in the negative and it was a miserable place...I choose to get fired up!

STOP AND REMEMBER YOUR WHY...KEEP GOING!

In March of 2014 I decided that I needed to make some HUGE changes in my life and one was quit drinking.  I knew I had a problem when all I could think about was that first drink and how fast I could get that buzz.  When my husband was gone I drank as much as I could as fast as I could in the time I had...I even made myself sick to drink more and the cooking sherry didn't have a chance.  
One of the hardest but also rewarding journeys in my life and YES I still have hard days BUT I REMEMBER WHY I STARTED AND HOW FAR I HAVE COME and that keeps me going!

In September of 2014 I started thinking about another change I NEEDED to make in my life BUT I kept making excuses about why I shouldn't take care of myself..."it is too hard" "I don't have time" and the big one "it costs too much."
But then I saw a pic of myself and wanted to cry. I was embarrassed and disgusted with myself...why did I let myself get like this? I was so damn stubborn that I could not and would not see what I was doing to myself. 
Then in September of last year I FINALLY decided to take that first step and I am so very thankful I did.
YES...I was worried about the cost BUT I looked through our budget and saved up and took that first step and I will NEVER go back! How I feel now compared to how I felt then is a BIG DIFFERENCE.
Has it been hard?...YES! Have I wanted to give up?...YES! Do I have bad days?...YES! BUT I REMEMBER WHY I STARTED AND HOW FAR I HAVE COME.
The feeling of being able to look in the mirror and smile is so huge! Knowing that I am taking care of ME is the best UNSELFISH thing I can do!
This journey has been filled with triumphs and trials BUT I refuse to go back and be the person I once was!
WE ARE ALL ON A JOURNEY....WHERE IS YOURS TAKING YOU?

GIVE UP OR KEEP GOING?

The past couple of weeks have been hard....I have not been doing my workouts and my eating stinks.  What should I do?

I have two choices...
1.  Quit and go on with my life
2.  Get up off my butt and remember why I started and keep going

Which one do I choose?
*The first one sounds so much easier and what I am used to
*The second one sounds harder BUT I know I would regret it

WHICH ONE?

Well...I choose the second...why?   Because I remember what it was like to quit before and I hated that feeling.
WHY would I want to go back to where I was?  WHY would I want to stop moving forward just because of hard days?  WHY would I want to give up on me?  WHY would I want to stop being better than I was yesterday?

I NEED to remember why I started.  I NEED to remember how I felt back then and keep going.  I NEED to quit sabotaging myself with my own thoughts.  I NEED to remember that I make my own choices.  I NEED TO REMEMBER THAT I AM DOING THIS FOR ME!!!

DO NOT FEED THE FEARS...KEEP GOING!

I KNEW that this is what I wanted to do but doubts kept flooding my head.  Would my journey help others...can I really do this???

I have always been afraid of being me and I kept thinking that being like everyone else was better than being who I am.  It was really hard to get out of my comfort zone and start sharing my struggles and taking that step of faith.

It did get easier but there were days that the doubts and fears would be overwhelming...I HAD to get out of my own head and keep doing what I loved to do.  Helping others and paying it forward was something I really cared about.

I had two choices...
1.  Continue feeding the fears and stop following my dream OR
2.  Continue to share my journey and help others believe and love themselves again
WHICH ONE SHOULD I CHOOSE???

I chose number 2 because I was NOT going to let my fear and doubts continue to stop me like it has done for years.  I KNEW that I was becoming a better person inside and out and I did not want to go back.  Even if it took one day at a time or one minute at a time...I was going to keep going!

I WAS NOT GOING TO GIVE UP ON ME!

More to come...

THE JOB THAT CHANGED MY LIFE...

I prayed and prayed about this new journey I was going to go on and the door stayed open so I thought I would give it a try.

I was so scared and wondered "would I make a difference?"  I started to work on me and make my own transformation and share with others.  In the process I started to see and hear people believing in themselves and accomplishing their goals was and is such a blessing!

To be a part of an amazing family and to have such caring and loving people in my life is amazing and at first I felt like I was in a dream.

I cannot tell you how much this opportunity that came into my life has helped me change on the outside and inside.  To be a part of such an incredible group of people is awe inspiring.  My heart is so full of blessings!

I am so thankful for the choice I made but like any other job it comes with hard days...can I do this?

More to come...

DARE TO DREAM...

I tried different jobs here and there but none of them gave me what I wanted....loving my job.

I wanted something where I could help others, work from home and have the freedom to take a day off if I wanted BUT did a job like that exist?  The other jobs I tried to do from home were just not what I was looking for.

I kept praying and hoping that a job like this would come my way but I kept thinking "yeah right..in your dreams!"  Would I ever find what I was looking for?

Then a friend of mine told me about this GREAT opportunity that (again) sounded too good to be true.  BUT there was something different about this one....I couldn't get it out of my mind no matter how hard I tried and EVERY time I prayed about it...boom...there it was.

I was still very nervous and scared but I thought since it keeps popping into my head..."why not?"

So I did!

Let the journey begin...

More to come...

LEAVING A JOB I LOVED BUT SUPRISES AROUND THE CORNER...

After being released from the surgeries in 2011 I needed to think about going back to work but I couldn't do what I had done before....I had to be careful how much I lifted.

I had been an EMT (emergency medical technician) before and I decided to get my training current and get back to that.  I loved the medical field and helping others.  I was really excited.  :-)

My training was all caught up and now I could sign up to be on call again.  I really enjoyed being an EMT and even took the job as head supervisor.  Well..the agency was having some problems so they brought in an outside person to help and made it to where other emt's could apply for the head supervisor position.

There were two of us (myself and another person) who applied for the job.  I decided since this person was newer than me and had some really good ideas to go ahead and step down and give them the position.  It was going to be a nice change.

Things started off great until this person decided that "it was his way or the highway" which did not set well with some of us since this was a volunteer job as well.  He was very close to being like another boss I had had but not as bad tempered.  He did not like it when anyone (especially the emt's who had been there over 5 years) would give him advice or ask him questions which he felt undermined his authority.

He felt like he had should have control on any scene even if it was another agency's like the fire and police department.  He wanted to be in charge period and I did NOT want to work for someone who would not respect the other agencies...after all we were all a TEAM and wanted to help others.

It took me over a year of praying and having God guide me to make up my mind and I decided to leave the EMS (emergence medical services).  I was going to miss it but I knew in my heart that I couldn't stay.  Everything I did was being questioned and I was not happy...I was even told to retake the course and I didn't have to.

So...now that I had left the job I really loved...what now?  Would I find another job that I loved as much as that one?

More to come...

2011...WHAT A ROUGH YEAR!

I loved my new job and being able to help with the finances.  BUT here come some challenges...

One evening I noticed something weird and asked my husband to please come here.  Well....we didn't know what was going on so off to the doctor I went.  To put it in simple words...my insides were falling.

Off to surgery #1.....I got a 3 for 1 deal.  I found out my bladder and  rectal wall had fallen (I apologize if that was too much information) AND I had a 3-inch hernia...oh goodie.  Recovering went well as long as I behaved myself..which wasn't easy.  Back to work I went once I got the doctor's release.

Then one night I starting noticing that the pressure in my head got worse and worse when I laid down.  I have had this before but not this bad.  So I went to the doctor and explained what was going on and a CT was done but they wanted more of a detailed picture so an MRI was scheduled.   They had found a brain aneurysm behind my left eye.

Off to surgery #2...we had to travel to Seattle which is about a 6 hour drive to get this taken care of.   I had two choices to have it coiled (which is a little wire that goes up my femoral artery and they wrap the aneurysm) or clipped (which is having a piece of my skull removed and then the aneurysm is cut).  It wasn't that big so the clipping sounded better and the recovery time was shorter.

As soon as I was healed and had the doctor's release...back to work I went again.

Then I was at work and noticed pain radiating from my neck down to my left arm and my left hand going numb.  It was so uncomfortable and painful that it was hard to work or sleep.  One day I was taking the dishes out of the dishwasher and put them on the counter..when I did that I felt a pop in my neck and AWFUL pain.
I was in tears to the point of calling someone from the next shift in early to go to the doctor.  They gave me a toradol shot and that helped a little but the pain would not stop.
So off to see the doctor once again and I was referred to a specialist in spokane.  They did x-rays and found that I had a ruptured disk, bone spurs and nerve damage.

Off to surgery #3...it was during the holiday season when I got this surgery and I got to come home on Thanksgiving from Spokane...which was a 2.5 to 3 hour drive.  Longest drive home ever!
I had 6 screws, a metal plate and a piece of my thigh bone put in my neck to strengthen it again.  I had to wear a cervical collar for 6-8 weeks 24/7.   It was so uncomfortable.

I had to be very careful how much I did and how much I lifted...the recovery time was long and boring.

I went back to work but it wasn't for very long...I just couldn't take the chance of further injury and had to be careful.  It wasn't a pleasant experience leaving but I did what I had to do.

The year of 2011 was very hard and not my idea of getting time off...not my idea of a vacation.

Now that I was out of work...what do I do now???

More to come...

NEW JOB...HAPPY DANCE!

I had been praying and waiting for a chance to find a different job because I couldn't leave until I did...we NEEDED the extra income.

A friend of mine told me that there was a nurses aid course being offered at the hospital and I applied for it and got in!  YEAH!  I was so happy and I love helping people...it was an answer to prayer.
My boss was less than thrilled that I was leaving but I knew I needed to get out of there...even though I liked the job...it wasn't worth it to be scared of your boss and treated like crap.

I took the class and it was pretty good...I have always loved the medical field.  When the class was done I applied for the noc shift (graveyard...which you don't say in a nursing home  LOL) because people didn't want it and I was a night owl anyway and didn't mind.

There were hard days especially when the resident was sick or passed away but helping others was something I loved to do and even though it wasn't easy and there were times I cried I still kept going.  When I saw a smile or a sparkle in the residents eyes...that made it all worth it.

A day shift position came open and my husband wanted to see me more so I applied and got it.  It was different than noc shift....the bosses and other workers were there so it wasn't as quiet as it had been.  But the time went by fast and before I knew it it was time to go home.

Well...I started to have some physical problems and I had to take a part-time position and I had to be very careful.  But then I got offered a job in the Assisted Living Facility which is next to the hospital and I accepted.

This was different and I enjoyed this job as well...we took trips and played games and did baking (which I love) and we had more interaction with the residents.

But my physical problems were not getting better and 2011 was one tough year...

More to come...

BACK TO WORK...STAY STRONG

I realized that my husband was stressing out about finances and I knew I needed to help him.  That was something I felt in my heart I needed to do...I just couldn't watch him work his butt off and not help.

I talked to him about it and he wasn't thrilled but he knew the extra income would help.  So I applied for a job at this Inn getting remodeled and I got the job as the receptionist.  Loved office work!

My boss seemed very nice at first and then I saw her temper....wow!  If things weren't done her way...she would throw things (like the freshly folded laundry) and make you do it over again and she would throw the housekeeping slips on the clipboards on the floor because they weren't done right.  She would make the employees feel worthless and they weren't good enough.

 I have never seen a boss act like this and make her employees cry.  One minute she was nice and buy us all pizza the next minute she was throwing things and yelling...she reminded me of  Dr. Jekyll/Mr, Hyde.

The days that my boss acted out...I wanted to hide under my desk or run for fear of being yelled at our hit.  She reminded me of my mother and I hated the way that made me feel!

I knew I wanted to get out of there but we needed the money.  I didn't want to work for a boss like this.   Maybe just maybe there was something else...

More to come...

SURGERY..NOT AN OPTION

We were at a Job Corps reunion at the lake with some of our friends and I noticed my husband was not feeling well.

He had a fever and chills and when I palpitated his abdomen he was very tender and sore.  It took me awhile to convince him to go to the hospital...he kept saying he was fine BUT he was not fine.  Well...I finally got his stubborn ass into the car and we had a friend of ours watch the girls so I could take him to the ER.  They ran some tests and it was his appendix very close to bursting. This was his first surgery and he was not happy at all.

My husband was a workaholic and he did NOT want to miss work and have to rest and get better (another thing he hated).  But if he didn't get the surgery his appendix would burst and that is NOT a choice I was going to give him.

So off he went to get the operation he needed.

He was pretty sore when he got home and I had no idea when I rented the movie "Grumpy Old Men" he would be literally busting a gut...OOPS!  It was a good movie though and he enjoyed it between the laughing and "uggs".

Our 5th year of our marriage was tough...there was other things that were challenging but we made it work and we made it through.

But once again....there came struggles...but we both knew we would make it through...

More to come...

FLASHBACKS FROM THE PAST...

Things were going great the first few years of our marriage.  We had two gorgeous daughters and enjoying life.

Then five years into our marriage things got tough...I was having flashbacks from my past and I didn't understand what was going on.  I was so scared and felt like I was going crazy.

The day came when I couldn't handle it anymore....I wanted to run and get away from the thoughts and emotions going on in me.  My husband locked the door so I couldn't leave...he was very worried about me.  That sound of the door being locked triggered a memory in me that scared the hell out of me and I lost it!

I grabbed something to protect myself so I wouldn't get hurt.  I didn't see my husband as my husband...I saw him as the person who had hurt me.  I didn't realize that my oldest daughter was there and had witnessed it.   What was I doing???  What was wrong with me???

My husband called our pastor for help and we went to go

talk to him.  While I was sitting there I was thinking...PLEASE don't make me go back there....I didn't want to talk about it...I don't want to relive that moment.  No one had believed me before especially my mom...why would anyone else?

The pastor and our church were so nice and helped me get through those painful days.  Again, I didn't know people could care that much about me....it was an amazing feeling.

Things got better but then we had something else happen...

More to come...

TESTING TO SEE IF THIS IS FOR REAL...

I had graduated from Job Corp and it was time to move in with my boyfriend.  I was still very scared and worried that all he wanted was the same thing that had been happening for years.

I needed to know if this guy was for real so I started testing him.  I would be such a brat and keep asking him if he really loved me.  I would make him mad on purpose to see if he would stay.  I would get so scared that he would find someone better and leave me.

I was so insecure that I honestly felt this was a dream and I would wake up and he would be gone.  I didn't want to go back to that hell hole I lived in for so many years but I didn't realize what a pain in the ass I was being.

I would smother him and not want him out of my sight for fear of him not coming back.  Over and over he reassured me that he loved me and wasn't going anywhere.

Finally after 5 years (yes 5 years) I knew he wasn't going anywhere and he loved me for me.  We were doing great and had two beautiful daughters.

But then...our marriage hit a rough point..I didn't understand what was happening...

More to come...

FEAR AND WORRY CAN BE HARD BUT CONTINUE TO BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!

AM I DREAMING?

The day that I had to leave was a hard one...I was nervous and scared to start this new chapter of my life but I knew I needed to.

The country was gorgeous and I fell in love with it right away.  When the bus arrived at Job Corps it was late and I was tired.  The next morning was filled with activity and orientation.  I didn't realize that there was only the upstairs of one dorm that the girls stayed in....the other 3.5 dorms were guys.  What had I gotten myself into???

Well....the same things from before happened.  I went back to my old ways...doing things that I used to do to get attention.  Was this ever going to end?  Would I ever find someone that truly loved me for me and not what I gave?

I was so tired of the worry and fear and being scared of being me.  I was so tired of being someone I wasn't.

That day came on 4/4/89 when I met the man that I had been looking for.  I had no idea that someone could care about me and love me for me.  Was this real?  Or was I dreaming?

More to come...

SEARCHING...

I kept searching and searching for that attention and love I wanted.  Even if that meant doing things I didn't want to...being with guys I didn't like or taking dares that I didn't feel comfortable with.
 The wrong attention was better than no attention right?

I wanted someone to love me for me NOT for what I could do for them or to be used until they were done with me and move on to the next person.  What was wrong with me?  I tried so hard to be the person that they wanted me to be and it wasn't good enough.

It got to the point where I thought this was the way it was supposed to be.  I thought that this was the only way to be loved.  Deep inside I hoped there was something more than this.

After years of hearing those so called "I love yous" and being used and being someone I was not I decided to leave and signed up for Job Corps.  I was so ready for a fresh start and hoped and prayed it would be different there.

So...off I went to a new chapter in my life...or so I hoped.

More to come...

WRONG CHOICES....LOST AND CONFUSED

I began searching for different ways to get the attention I wanted and  craved.

Yes...I went to church and knew what it was all about BUT I wasn't ready....going to church was a way for me to get out of the house and escape the pain that was there.
 Friends and I would go on down to the local 7-Eleven and play some pinball or just hang out and then head back to church for the ride home.

*First thing...I started to lose weight and not in a good way.  There were these diet pills called dexatrim...they should have labeled them speed.  Instead of one a day I took 4-5 a day and man was I feeling good...not hungry at all.
BUT if I did eat....no problem.  I would make myself get sick so I wouldn't have to worry about that.  I mean...guys liked thin girls and that is how I get attention.

I felt that if I was skinny enough and pretty enough I would be accepted and get what I wanted...love and attention

*Second thing...I needed to start partying and that was when I started drinking and smoking.   I tried pot but didn't care for it very much but then I tried acid and that I really liked!
Here was another way I could get attention....I didn't care at that time if I was changing who I was to be part of a crowd...at least I had friends.

*Third thing....this one was the hardest but I did it anyway.  My boyfriend at the time told me if I didn't sleep with him that he had a friend of his that would.  He got mad at me for saying no and left to go be with her.  I was so upset and afraid that I was going to lose him that I called him and begged him to come back and yes I would sleep with him.

I felt used and disgusted in myself...but I did not stop.  I wanted to be accepted and I wanted that attention so bad.....I would do what I had to to keep it.

More to come...

PAST MEMORIES..."FIRST" SHOUT FOR HELP

Yesterday I was in a meeting and I remembered other reasons "WHY" I do what I do and why "paying it forward" is so important to me.

I came from an abusive home and I remember when I was about 13-14 years old I kept thinking about ending my life.  I would be at school and daydream about jumping through the window every day.  The kids at school would bully me and make fun of me...they had no idea what was going on at my home and I felt so alone I couldn't talk to anyone.

When I got to Junior High I thought things would change....no they didn't.  Kids were bullies and mean in this school too.
 One day I remember talking to a substitute teacher about how I was feeling and what was going on in my home and she told a counselor.  The counselor called my mom and set up a meeting.  The counselor told my mom what was going on with the bullying and suicidal thoughts.  All my mom could say was "what will the neighbors think" and "what have I done wrong".

Not once did my mom ask me what was wrong and if I was okay.  That day I decided if my mom didn't care...why should I?  I took A LOT of pills but all it did was make me sick...really sick.  My mom just thought it was the flu and that day of the meeting never came up again.

Evidently I was still here for a reason...I just didn't know what it was and for that matter didn't care.

This was the start of searching for other ways to get accepted and get attention.

More to come...

THE PAST CAN PLAY TRICKS ON YOU...

There are days that I look at myself and don't think the weight is coming off fast enough.  There are days when I get so frustrated that I still want a drink even though it has been a year.
Then the thoughts of what I used to do come back into my head and I have to fight to not do those again.

Taking diet pills (more in a day than I should have) and making myself throw up so the food didn't digest and eating only 500-800 calories a day.  I tried the cabbage diet, the banana diet, the no-carb diet (this really messed with my hypoglycemia) and the no-sugar diet.  I did  all of these and my weight came back and more.
I didn't WANT to do the work....I wanted the "magic pill" and the "quick fix".  I am NOT a very patient person when it comes to weight loss.   I would work out one day and look in the mirror to see if I lost anything...have you ever done any of these?

I still have a hard time with waiting but I know that hard work....exercise and healthy eating pay off.  I have NEVER felt this good about myself in years.  I can look in the mirror and smile and I am believing in myself again!

WHEN THE PAST COMES BACK AND TRIES TO TRICK ME INTO DOING THE THINGS I USED TO DO....I LOOK AT HOW FAR I HAVE COME AND I THINK OF MY "WHY" WHEN I STARTED THIS JOURNEY AND I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK...I DON'T LIVE THERE ANYMORE.

ONE DAY AT A TIME....I CAN DO THIS!

The choice is YOURS!

There are good and bad days when you decide to make a change in your life.
So many times I have wanted to give up...so many times I have looked at others and have been envious of their accomplishments and successes.  I ask the question..."Why can't I be like them?"

BUT I AM NOT THEM...I AM ME!

The only one that can make those choices to be better than I was yesterday is ME!  The only one that can get over the pity party is ME!  The only one that can get out of their own head and stop listening to those negative thoughts is ME!  The only one that can keep choosing to move forward is ME!

I can get compliments ALL day about how far I have come and it takes just ONE negative comment to make that all go away.  Why concentrate on one negative when you have tons of positives?  

Everyday I have to CHOOSE to make that decision to keep going.  I have to make that decision to not give up.  I have to make that decision to keep looking ahead.  I have to make that decision to be better than I was yesterday.

SO...WHAT DO YOU CHOOSE???

Another Awakening....BEFORE AND CURRENT PICS

When I first saw a pic of what I looked like...it blew me away!  How could did I get like this???  I was shocked and KNEW I had so do something.

This is the picture I took before I started my second journey on 9/14/14.  I weighed 173.4# and 212 inches all around.  I was disgusted with myself and wanted to cry.
I needed to do something but what?
I talked to a friend of mine who introduced me to this program called Beachbody.  At first I wasn't sure about it but then I thought....what have a I got to loose?  I HAD to do something...I was so embarrassed by how I looked.
So I started this new journey of exercising and eating healthier.
Man was it hard!  I didn't think I could make it through the first week BUT I did.  I made that choice to be better than I was yesterday.

This is where I am now...I have lost a total of 35 inches all around and 20 pounds since my journey began.  It is not just the numbers I look at but how I feel about myself and I can look in the mirror and smile again.
I have only just begun this next journey and I am excited and nervous about what is in the future.
Paying it forward is an amazing thing I can do and I am.

More to come...